So I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really Want…

Posted: August 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

Yeah, sorry. That song has been stuck in my head for days. I’m going to have to go in with a power drill to get it out. Is it stuck in your head now, too? Excellent! That means my evil plan is worki…er, I mean, uh…sorry.

In any case, what I really, really want is to give away another set of books. By now you guys should know that the prize pack includes signed paperbacks of 33 A.D., 61 A.D., 79 A.D., Saying Goodbye to the Sun, NASTY LITTLE F!#*ERS, and Old Sins. I know, I know. You know that already. See, the thing is, even though I know you know, I have to say it so people who don’t know what you know will now know. Yanno?

So what is this week’s contest going to be? Hmmm…

I explained in a comment last week why I can’t ask you to fight to the death. The same reasoning applies to the rocket-powered cross country skateboard race. Specifically, I don’t want to be liable for anything like that. I’m just a poor, starving artist type. I can’t even afford shoelaces. That’s why I wear flip flops most of the time. That might be a slight exaggeration, but it might not. I’ll let you guys wonder. Meanwhile, check out this pic of my footwear:


I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I lied, right? You’re thinking those sure look like shoelaces holding those things together. Well, you’re right. But I didn’t buy them. They fell from the sky like manna from heaven. Or, if you don’t believe that, then imagine a story you would believe. Got it in your head? Ok, that’s what happened. Yep. Just like you imagined.

Which brings me to this week’s contest. Tell me something about those soda bottle flip flops. Anything. Tell me they are ugly. Tell me they are awesome. Tell me they fell from the sky like manna…oh, wait…maybe not THAT one. I have copyright to think about, you know.

Make it interesting. Make it funny. Make it scary or dramatic or weird. It doesn’t have to make sense. Whatever you decide to say, say it in the comments. 🙂

I won’t be using this time. I’ll pick my favorite from among the comments and that person will win the books. Sound like fun? Of course it does! So have at it, folks! Free *cough, cough* literature is on the line!

–David, King of Flip Flops

  1. Phil lindsey says:

    These are actually the flip flops that most people in politics have been using for years. When their bullshit gets low they simply attach 2 hoses to the fittings on both feet and proceede to refill themselves from the feet up.

  2. Adam says:

    I’m from South Africa originally where we have many tribes. There’s a national tribal competition every 3 years called “Empini Amandla”. It’s a Zulu name that’s roughly translated as “the battle of power”. The winner of the competition becomes the Inkosi (King) of the country for the following three years.

    The Inkosi is given the honour of wearing the Royal Izimbadada (sandals or flip flops) at the inauguration ceremony. The soda bottles represent the overflowing spring from where power flows and the grass represents the earth over which the Inkosi will rule.

    To win the competition the contestants must complete three tasks. The first perilous task is to brush an elephants tusks to rid them of the extreme build up of plaque. The three people who remove the most plaque with a toothbrush will be put forward to the second round.

    The second round is to cut the nails of the local Sangoma (witch doctor). She doesn’t wash or cut her nails for three years and each contestant must woo her to with small gifts and poetry to allow them to complete the task. Only two will succeed to go through to the last round. The two who can bare the stench and revulsion to complete the task.

    The last round is the mental challenge that reveals who truly deserves to be Inkosi. The Zulu tongue twister. Each contestant must recite this Zulu tongue twister for a full 24 hours without stumbling: “Amaxoxo ayaxokozela exoxa ngoxamu exhibeni”, which, roughly translated, means “The frogs are talking loudly about the monitor lizard”.

    The winner, who completes the full 24 hours will scream, “ukunqoba!” (victory!). He will then be crowned Inkosi and be afforded the great honour of wearing the holy, royal Izimbadada. Such is Africa.

  3. Jenny Price says:

    They were a gift from your fairy godmother so you could attend the beach ball.

  4. Angela says:

    These Flip Flops were a gift from Bear Grylls wen we found ourselves deep in the Amazon, David McAfee books lay at our feet …. Ehhh, oh hang on wrong Amazon .. !!

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